MOST of us are our own worst enemy when our heart is broken.
- WE cling on to the hope that our former love will come to their senses and return to us.
- WE make needy, desperate calls to them in the middle of the night, all self-respect gone.
- WE tell ourselves w’ll never find such happiness again and we shutdown ourselves away, thus avoiding opportunities where we might get chance to meet someone new.
All this is quite normal after a terrible hurt and with someone just left in our life and yet by doing this things we are making ourselves feel far more wretched than we actually need to, says psycotherapist Dr. Christine Webber, author of a new book How To Mend A Broken Heart.
“Often our grief at the end of a relationship isn’t from losing that person but losing the situation we were in with them. Its not so much the person we miss as the blow to our plans — may be we thought we’d settle down and live with eachother as a life partner, be with each other in ups and downs and have children; maybe we have enjoyed the status we had from being with them;maybe are angry at the time we wasted,” says Christine.
When you realise that much of your grief isn’t about that person in particular, but what they represented to you — that what you miss about them could actually have been given to you by anyone — you dramatically accelerate your recovery.”
Accept its over
whether or not you ended the relationship, accepting its over has to happen before you can move on.
“If you have the courage to resolve not to see each other and stick to it,whether or not you are the one who ended it , you are improving your chances for much greater happiness in the future.”
In almost every breakup its important not to see each other again no matter how tempting it may be to have occasional contact.
Distance is vital
Putting distance between you is vital because seeing each other after a breakup dramatically increases the chances of the ultimate no no and having relation with your ex.
“Some relationships can be rekindled after the breakup–but if that is to happen, your partner has to earn their right to your love and their place in your mind.Being together after you have broken up because you both had too much to drink obviously does not qualify.”
One of the most powerful tools in helping you let go of your rose-tinted memory of your ex is to make a list of what you don’t miss about them–and pin it up around the house so you can remind yourself regularly what your relartionship was really like.
“Facing up your ex’s bad points–and to what you put up with for far too long–is a positive step towards becoming an adult who learns from a bad relationships and is therefore in a good position to form a healthier one next time.”
What you are missing
Equally important is making a list of what you DO miss–for the very reason that it may reveal that you are not missing your ex at all.
“It’s quite interesting that most people’s list reveal less points about missing that specific person,and more about missing having someone,or just missing being in a relationship.”
So if you accept the breakup,make your list and tentatively start making your way towards finding another partner.
When is it over?
How do you know when you are finally over it?”When you start to notice that you haven’t thought about him for a whole day or you simply take pleasure in your company,you are realising you are a worthwhile person again.Collect these moments and treasure them.Try to engage yourselves in some activities;they show your broken heart is mending”
FACING UPTO YOUR EX BAD POINTS–AND TO WHAT YOU PUT UP WITH–IS A POSITIVE STEP TOWARDS BECOMING AN ADULT WHO LEARNS FROM A BAD RELATIONSHIP AND IS THEREFORE IN A GOOD POSITION TO FORM A HEALTHIER ONE NEXT TIME.
YOU HAVE TO BETTER UNDERSTAND
- OFTEN the grief at the end of a relationship isn’t from the losing the person,but the blow to our plans
- WHEN you come to realise that much of your grief isn’t about the person in particular, but over what the person represented to you, the recovery is accelerated .
- ACCEPTING that its over is vital before you can move on
- IN ALMOST every breakup its important not to see each other again
- WHEN you start to take pleasure on your own, you will feel your broken heart is mending.